Shooting from the hip
Last week's post on the link between dress codes and hipness caused a bit of a stir. Most of the online comments were in general agreement, though some of my friends were a little miffed at where I placed Boogie Wonderland on the chart (it's okay, I still love you despite your complete lack of misguided taste in nightclubs).
I admitted at the time that my method of assessing the hipness level of a bar was far from scientific, so I've drafted a technique that could place this assessment on a more methodical footing. Please bear in mind that I'm not claiming that "hip" = "good" (you could equally see it as "hip" = "pretentious") or that "hipness" = "street cred" (dingy, serious music venues like Valve, Happy and Bodega have more of the latter than the former).
The methodology is extremely simple. Every bar starts with zero points, then you add or subtract points for whichever of the following statements apply. Good luck with your field research!
Features an extensive list of cocktails +1
That the bar staff can actually make +3
Cocktail list specialises in innovative and delicious inventions +5
Cocktail list specialises in shooters with "hilarious" "suggestive" names -2
The most popular wine is Viognier +2
The most popular wine is Chardonnay -1
The most popular wine is Chardon, eh? -5
The chef is ex-Huka Lodge +2
The chef is ex-Le Gavroche +5
The chef is ex-Paremoremo -5
Has a dress code -1
Dress code includes "no hats" -3
Dress code includes "no gang colours" -10
The punters shop at Zambesi, Good as Gold, and an Op Shop in Newtown that the masses haven't found yet +5
The punters shop at Hallensteins and Supré -3
The punters shop at Rodd & Gunn and Line 7 -5
The punters shop at The Warehouse -7
Everywhere you look there are large screen TVs -1
That are playing continuous Sky Sport -5
That are playing J2 -10
Frequented by international movie stars +2
Bouncers notoriously turned away international movie stars +5
Prominently displays photos of grinning proprietor with international movie stars -5
Designed by a prominent architect +1
Who crashed his client's Ferrari +2
Who took the rap for his client crashing his own Ferrari +3
Used as a venue for album release parties and live recordings +2
For bands on LOOP +5
For NZ Idol finalists -5
Mentioned in Pavement or Urbis +2
Mentioned in Wallpaper* +5
Mentioned on nzweddingplanner.co.nz as a hen night venue -10
Plays a lot of retro music +5
Unfortunately, "retro", doesn't mean rare John Coltrane recordings, lost funk classics and experimental New York electro, but endless repeats of Abba, Bryan Adams and whatever was in the charts 5 years ago -10
The biggest nights of the week are when an international guest DJ or up-and-coming local band performs +2
The biggest nights are ladies night and corporate shout Fridays -2
The biggest nights are Bikini Jam and when the Tui girls are on tour -7
posted by Tom @ 8:44 am
6 Comments:
This is brilliant.
Congrats.
I like the Ferrari comment.
You wouldn't be referring to a certain Grecian that’s had rhinoplasty and a vehicular accident with painters?
;)
Hmm, I get the feeling there is even more gossip involved than I thought? I presume that you're referring to a particular well-known property developer and clothes-horse, but he wasn't involved in this "hypothethetical" incident. I'm not sure about painters either, though the "hypothethetical" incident did involve the scion of a paint tycoon.
That's all I can say without taking legal advice! ;-)
Brilliant, tho here are a couple of tweaks with which you may or may not agree:
"Cocktail list specialises in shooters with "hilarious" "suggestive" names -2"... I propose -5
"Used as a venue for album release parties and live recordings +2
For bands on LOOP +5"... I propose -10
Hi Stephen, good to see you back (or are you? things are still pretty quiet over at the labs).
I agree with you about the shooters: slippery nipples and quick fucks deserve more contempt.
As for your comments about Loop: them's fighting words! Be careful what you say, or you may find yourself set upon by Fly my pretties fans set to pour their Falling Waters all over you. Or Rhian Sheehan fans attacking you with their coffee tables. And besides: Twinset have played at Happy, so is Happy now infra dig?
Bear in mind that "hip" is not the same as "cutting edge", and that the whole "hip to unhip" spectrum is probably orthogonal to the "avant garde to mainstream" one.
That was the twat in the neck brace who took a slapper of a girl to toast.
Yes - I was thinking about the show pony who gets a new shirt from House of Hank every week.
He didn't pay his painters so they "painted" his car. ;)
Unfortunately, "retro", doesn't mean rare John Coltrane recordings, lost funk classics and experimental New York electro, but endless repeats of Abba, Bryan Adams and whatever was in the charts 5 years ago -10
"Retro" means good dance music play list from the 60's to the 80's +5
What was a good play list is repeated every night of the week -10 + -5 every week repeated
Features an extensive list of cocktails +1
That the bar staff can actually make +3
The bar staff can't make the cocktails but are entertaining while flailing around and asking "does gin go in a martini?" +1
The most popular wine is cask white -15
Used as a venue for album release parties and live recordings +2
For avant-garde noise jazz bands +1
For crap avant-garde noise jazz bands (which is technically all of them) +5 (note: hipness scale doesn't take into account taste)
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