Mystery bar number 47

File under: drink, nightlife, Wellington

It took a little bit of prompting, but eventually "Eds" got it bang on: the previous mystery bar was Bohdan's at the Bay Plaza Hotel. The hotel's website describes it as "one of Wellington's most popular meeting places, where friendly service and a lively atmosphere make this intimate bar a favourite venue both day and night", and while it would be rude to disrespect a place that looks somewhere between a 1970s Lockwood home and a 1980s Greek restaurant, I'd have to day that there's a teensy bit of hyperbole in that statement.

At least they make a reasonable attempt at being a cocktail bar, unlike today's mystery bar. While it has a large menu of mixed drinks, I'd hesitate to call them "cocktails", and it's difficult to order anything that doesn't sound more like a sexual favour than a drink. "Give me a Quick F..., erm, no, I'd like a Blow J..., um, on the other hand I'd prefer a Slippery N..., ah forget it". Oh, the hilarity.

While they haven't quite sunk to the level of transmucosal vodka insertions, everything on offer seems designed to get you pickled, snockered and totally Merle Haggard as rapidly as physically possible. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Call me old-fashioned, but if I'm served something in a shot glass, I expect it to have spent a decade or two in a small wooden barrel somewhere just west of the Scottish mainland. Of course, as far as the clientele is concerned, I am old-fashioned: if the drinking age were raised back to 20 (let alone 41) this place would lose most of its business overnight.

Given the emphasis on instant intoxication rather than leisurely conviviality, they haven't bothered too much with decor, which consists of some dark red paint, the odd potted plant and a few leftover tables from whatever was here before. The easy-wash floor tiles and breeze-block walls are no doubt a bonus in this sort of place, as is the non-nonsense hole-in-the wall bar service. It's tiny, and only open a few nights a week, but given that none of their liquid confectionery is expected to last for more than a few nanoseconds, I imagine it does a roaring trade. I know I'm a snob when it comes to drinking (no, really), but I prefer to give my brain cells a more dignified death.